Clear communication skills are worth learning at any age but as we get older they could be vital. When we let go of our work commitments or child care responsibilities we will still want to focus on our deep connection with those we love. We don’t want to be all alone with only the television for company.

In old age, good friends and relatives could even make the difference between life and death. They help us do things we can no longer do for ourselves and prevent the tragedy of loneliness which is psychologically distressing and affects our recovery from serious illness.

The problem is that most of us didn’t grow up in families which modeled gentle and effective communication and it wasn’t on the curriculum at school.

I think it will be difficult to break habitual ways of relating to other people when we reach old age. It’s something we need to start improving now.

‘Loving What Is’, by Byron Katie is a good place to start. It’s basically a simple list of questions to ask ourselves whenever we have a problem in a relationship. It helps you see things from other angles – getting beyond blame or thinking the other person is ‘wrong’.

I’m lucky enough to live amongst people who use and value Byron Katie’s ideas but some of my friends found the style of the book off-putting at first. We laugh about it now because those who struggled at the beginning have become the most dedicated at “doing the work” she advocates.

One friend had the book for a year and couldn’t stand it. Then, when she couldn’t resolve difficulties with her boyfriend, she stayed awake all night reading it. The next day she ended her relationship cleanly and took charge of her life.

I love it when there is something easy we can do now as a kind of insurance policy for old age and it starts paying dividends straight away. Byron Katie’s book showed me how to understand others rather than simply judging them and to recognize that I also do the things I don’t like in others. I practice what I learned as much as possible and maybe by the time I’m 90 I’ll be an expert rather than a miserable old woman.

Loving What Is: Four Questions That Can Change Your Life

In my search to learn how to live a long and healthy life I’m keeping an open mind about the causes of illness and how to achieve full recovery. So when  Caroline Myss’  book, “Why People Don’t Heal and How They Can” helped a friend overcome a long illness, I thought it was time to check it out.

Myss suggests that people can become attached to past abuse, trauma or a current illness because the pain brings some sort of benefit. This can range from the comfort of special treatment (such as the safety of a support group), to the ability to use a wound as a weapon (as in, “You have to do what I say because I’ve been through this major trauma and you haven’t”).

She recognises the importance of acknowledging trauma and the need for support, but for her that support can only be a way across the water, it’s essential to get off the boat on the other shore and move on.

There is a tendency to hold onto a ‘wound’ because it becomes familiar and we sort of know how to live with it. The friend, who recommended this book, saw this pattern in herself and turned it around. She said, “It created within me an excitement and I asked myself: Wouldn’t it be fantastic to connect with people through my strengths and have them acknowledged rather than my weaknesses?”

For Myss the healing process can be helped by transcending the physical level of illness. As well as the understanding the psychological level, she explores the symbolism of chakra’s, astrological ages and even divine will. She suggests that, “Transformation through illness is a time-honored spiritual theme, and faith in the Divine can yield dramatic insight and healing.”

Although I find some of this hard to accept, my friend found it helpful to look at the symbolic aspect of her illness, especially the bit about looking at archetypes.
It gave her an opportunity to step back and instead of seeing it as purely personal, she was able to get a new perspective which led to healing.

Catherine

Why People Don’t Heal and How They Can
A practical programme for healing body, mind and spirit
Caroline Myss, Bantam 1998