Loving What Is Review

Clear communication skills are worth learning at any age but as we get older they could be vital. When we let go of our work commitments or child care responsibilities we will still want to focus on our deep connection with those we love. We don’t want to be all alone with only the television for company.

In old age, good friends and relatives could even make the difference between life and death. They help us do things we can no longer do for ourselves and prevent the tragedy of loneliness which is psychologically distressing and affects our recovery from serious illness.

The problem is that most of us didn’t grow up in families which modeled gentle and effective communication and it wasn’t on the curriculum at school.

I think it will be difficult to break habitual ways of relating to other people when we reach old age. It’s something we need to start improving now.

‘Loving What Is’, by Byron Katie is a good place to start. It’s basically a simple list of questions to ask ourselves whenever we have a problem in a relationship. It helps you see things from other angles - getting beyond blame or thinking the other person is ‘wrong’.

I’m lucky enough to live amongst people who use and value Byron Katie’s ideas but some of my friends found the style of the book off-putting at first. We laugh about it now because those who struggled at the beginning have become the most dedicated at “doing the work” she advocates.

One friend had the book for a year and couldn’t stand it. Then, when she couldn’t resolve difficulties with her boyfriend, she stayed awake all night reading it. The next day she ended her relationship cleanly and took charge of her life.

I love it when there is something easy we can do now as a kind of insurance policy for old age and it starts paying dividends straight away. Byron Katie’s book showed me how to understand others rather than simply judging them and to recognize that I also do the things I don’t like in others. I practice what I learned as much as possible and maybe by the time I’m 90 I’ll be an expert rather than a miserable old woman.

Loving What Is: Four Questions That Can Change Your Life